Episode Transcript
[00:00:02] Speaker A: Hey, everybody. Welcome back to the royalty room. I'm Ashley Valenzuela, legal queen La. Whatever you want to call me today is going to be interesting. I am doing something a little bit more personal, a little bit more mental health focused, because I really do want to get back to that. We've had an array of artists, creatives, models, everybody from here and there. But today we have a very, very important guest, my friend, my sister's first friend in LA, Miss Sneha. Welcome to the royalty room.
[00:00:40] Speaker B: Thank you for having me. I'm excited.
[00:00:42] Speaker A: I'm happy that you're here. This is, again, it's going to be a little bit more personal. Sneha is a student therapist.
So what we've been talking about is diagnose me, but, like, you know, don't diagnose me today, but, like, let's get into it.
[00:01:02] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:01:03] Speaker A: And first, like, how did you even get started in this industry? What is it about, you know, working with mental health that kind of drove you here?
[00:01:13] Speaker B: Yeah. So I think the main thing is, like, therapy has been extremely helpful for me.
When I was in college, I started out as pre med, as the stereotype goes, and I kind of just realized I didn't want to go down the psychiatry route. I didn't really want to be prescribing people medication and spending very little time with them, as you would in a therapy room. So I kind of pivoted from that, and I always knew that I wanted to work in mental health, given how helpful it was for me and how helpful I think it's been for a lot of people that I know. So it's a long journey, but definitely enjoying it so far. And I think it's super important, especially to have more people in the mental health space that are from different backgrounds so people can have more therapists that look like them, that they can identify with, that understand their, like, cultural backgrounds. So I feel like those were, like, the main driving forces for me. And I'm enjoying it so far.
[00:02:19] Speaker A: Yeah, well, I appreciate it. Obviously, I tell you all the time, I'm super proud of you. It's a huge undertaking. This girl, like, if you can imagine, she'll be in class for 10 hours a day and therapy for 10 hours a day, doing sessions and then homework and then write ups and all these things. And it's just like, how do you fit 40 hours in one day? I don't understand.
But something that you said when I was in law school and I was going through a lot of the crisis and trauma that I was going through. I went to a psychiatrist that my doctor had me go to, and I'll never forget it. I literally walked in, sat down. He said, okay, yeah, you're gonna get this, this, this, and this. Gave me a script for three different pills or four different pills, whatever it is. And then I left. And that was it.
[00:03:12] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:03:13] Speaker A: Didn't ask me one question. Didn't ask me one thing. Didn't care who I was, where I was coming from, like, literally anything. They're like, yeah, let's medicate you and get you out of my office. And I was just like, that's giving sus.
[00:03:28] Speaker B: Yeah. And I really didn't. That's what I'm saying. I really didn't want to do that. I think, funny enough, therapy is what helped me realize that if I was gonna go down that route, it would have been more to appease my parents than to do it for myself.
[00:03:40] Speaker A: So that's big. And I feel like, in that way. Yeah. So that's something. We've talked about this before, but, like, something in your culture, your family's from India.
[00:03:50] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:03:51] Speaker A: So it's kind of one or the other, just doctor.
[00:03:54] Speaker B: Very few professions that are considered, like, exceptional or, like, good enough if you really made it in life. And I understand that coming from a developing country perspective, but I had to, at some point, you know, decide if I'm gonna spend so many years on doing something. Like, it needs to be something that I want to wake up and do every day, because, like you said, it's hard.
[00:04:20] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:04:20] Speaker B: So enjoying it, I think, is super important.
[00:04:23] Speaker A: Trust me, I get it. Okay. Esquire, doctor, soon to be doctor parents just don't understand. I feel like that's, like, we could go on about that one, and we'll get there.
[00:04:36] Speaker B: We'll get there.
[00:04:37] Speaker A: Yeah. So, did. Obviously, you're gonna ask me questions, but did your childhood, like, shape your views on mental health as well?
[00:04:46] Speaker B: Yeah, I think that there was very little room to say that you had mental health problems, especially coming from a family that immigrated from a very poor country and who, like my parents, grew up pretty poor in terms of, if you're comparing it to american standards. So saying, like, I'm depressed to them, and I'm not speaking for my parents alone, but just to say that it's kind of like, what are you depressed about? Because I don't think they had the room to think about or admit those things to themselves. And I'm speaking for a lot of people in generations before us and in other cultures. So I think there was a lot of shame behind that and feeling like it sounded like complaining more than a real problem. So, again, that was another huge reason that I wanted to get into this, because I think mental health is really important, and it's very real, and people are often struggling with things that you would never know from meeting them. Like, if you think about it, everyone you meet today or tomorrow is a certain version of themselves. But there have been so many versions of them before that and so many trials and tribulations to become whoever they are that's standing in front of you. And I think the more we talk about it, the more we can normalize it and make people feel comfortable living in their truth and talking about their past.
[00:06:17] Speaker A: Yeah. I think another thing that's interesting is I've focused so much on, like, american culture.
[00:06:25] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:06:26] Speaker A: And, you know, I feel like the. If people say therapies for white people, like, I heard that.
[00:06:33] Speaker B: I've heard that one before. Yeah.
[00:06:35] Speaker A: And I think the black community is making huge steps in mental health. Like, there's so many, like, young black men, like Da Vinci, Romeo, all these people that are talking about mental health in the black community as well. But then beyond that, we have the hispanic community, we have other countries. I didn't even, like, think of what things are, like elsewhere, because we still have so far to go here 100%.
[00:07:02] Speaker B: I think every culture has its own stigma when it comes to mental health, and there's, like, nuances based off of, you know, what culture you're part of. But I think a general consensus is, like, it wasn't as acceptable to talk about or complain about things that weren't physical ailments like, that you didn't need immediate attention for. It's always like, you'll be okay. You'll get over it.
[00:07:25] Speaker A: And, like, privacy, like, yeah, that's been something that's been brought up, like, with my family, or, like, I've heard other people, like, oh, we don't talk about those things because my family doesn't want them to know or, you know, but it's just like, I get you. Everybody's not gonna have a platform. Everybody's not gonna be talking on a podcast, you know, or a tv show.
But to get a therapist and to have someone. I advocate for therapy all the time, because obviously, like you said, it helped you. It helped me.
You do have to find the right therapist 100%. And I think with law, you know, it's an old white mandev. People have that stigma about therapy. It's just some. Some old white lady or some. Some old man that's just like, well, tell me your feelings.
[00:08:11] Speaker B: Yeah, but you have to find.
[00:08:13] Speaker A: Yeah, you have to find a therapist that's for you. And so someone that's. That's young, like you, that's of a different culture, and, like, that's really important. That's the first step. And it might be hard. Like, it might take you. You can't. Can't walk into therapy room and automatically, like, you guys just click, click. You may have to try out a couple of different folks. Like, I think I told you this. I had a therapist, and she was probably about my age. Super cute, super cool. And after a couple months, it didn't. It wasn't therapy anymore. It was just like, I'm calling my shorty to gossip and, like, tell her the tea on the new boys. And she was like, oh, well, you should go to, like, Chateau Marmont, and you can find a new man. And I'm just like, sis, I want to hang out with you outside of this session, but, like, diagnose me. Like, tell me.
[00:09:06] Speaker B: Something needs to be way clearer than you are sometimes.
[00:09:09] Speaker A: Yeah. And. But going back to the point, feeling comfortable to speak to somebody in a therapeutic setting, it's just like, yes, you could talk to your friends, and, of course, I deal a lot with the music industry. Yes, you can talk to your pen. You can talk to the mic. You can write in your journal. You can tell your homies they're not talking back.
The journal's not talking back. No one is asking you questions. No one's making you go deeper. No one's finding a solution. And your friends and your family, obviously, they have biases. Maybe they're for you. Maybe they're against you. Maybe they're.
[00:09:48] Speaker B: Whatever it is.
[00:09:49] Speaker A: Yeah, but there's no end goal. There's no work that's being done. It's just like you're dumping.
[00:09:56] Speaker B: Yeah. Without feed, without healthy feedback, that's, like, productive.
[00:10:00] Speaker A: Exactly. So, I don't know. I think everybody should have a therapist. It's the best medicine. So. Student therapy, me. Lady, I know you have questions.
[00:10:11] Speaker B: That being said, we're gonna expose Ashley today.
[00:10:14] Speaker A: Listen, it's my write a book. Well, I am writing a book, but we'll get into that later.
[00:10:19] Speaker B: The tissues behind the curtain.
[00:10:22] Speaker A: You gonna need it, Saul. Okay. Don't set me up for a failure already I'm a crybaby. Gangster.
Mostly. Mostly gangster.
[00:10:32] Speaker B: Okay, so, the way I want to start, I think even in therapy, when we're doing an assessment with somebody, obviously we want to know what brings them in in a therapy, when you're doing an assessment. But when we talk about things like trauma, a big important question to ask somebody is, what are your earliest memories? And more importantly, when is the youngest that you remember stuff? Like, when are your earliest memories? What age was that at? Because that's usually very telling of if there was trauma present or not, when we can't remember certain things or can't remember certain things before certain ages. So I'm curious if we're going to start all the way from the beginning. Like, what are your. What and when are your earliest memories?
[00:11:21] Speaker A: Um, I would say age wise is probably four.
[00:11:28] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:11:29] Speaker A: Um. And I have blocked out a lot of my life, like, early childhood, teenage. Like, I've blocked out a lot of my life, but I have, like, images in my head, you know, or, like, memories of something. And something that my family has not been good about or has done too much of is, like, tell me what happened to me.
So I don't know if they're. Sometimes. I don't know if they're really like, this is what happened, or this is what someone told me happened.
[00:12:02] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:12:03] Speaker B: You're, like, doubting. It's hard to know what's real and what's not.
[00:12:06] Speaker A: Yeah, yeah. Oh, yeah.
[00:12:07] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:12:08] Speaker B: Do you ever, now that you're older, like, try to look back on some of those memories that you've blocked out? Or do you find that it's been too painful and you'd rather not think about those things or just be okay with leaving those points of your life blank?
[00:12:25] Speaker A: I'd rather leave it, but I think that's the thing that we do in my family. At least we move on and act like it didn't happen. Sweep it under the rug, don't talk about it.
Yeah. It's easier that way.
[00:12:41] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:12:42] Speaker B: It's a defense mechanism, for sure. You know, our brains try to protect us. And that's what I was saying about the memory thing. The reason why we can't remember certain things easily is our brain is constantly working to help us. So if something is too painful and too difficult, it'll kind of put a blanket over that. Yeah. Make it harder to access memory wise.
[00:13:04] Speaker A: So just giving.
This is serious, but it's giving inside out, you know?
[00:13:09] Speaker B: That's a great movie.
[00:13:10] Speaker A: I haven't seen the second one. I have to watch it.
[00:13:13] Speaker B: People think it's a kid's movie, but, like, all adults should go watch that.
[00:13:17] Speaker A: Movie and figure out, Bella watched it without me.
[00:13:18] Speaker B: Their emotions, I think it's helpful.
Yeah, I guess. I want to know. I know this is kind of, like, a big question, but how would you describe your family structure and the members of your family that you would say are important to you or main players or characters in your life? Who are those?
[00:13:42] Speaker A: In what time period?
[00:13:44] Speaker B: Let's start from when you were really young and maybe talk about how that's changed over time.
[00:13:49] Speaker A: So my parents had me when they were 16, so there was no, like, nuclear family. They broke up, like, immediately after.
So I've always had two separate sets of family.
And so it's my mom, her dad, and my step grandma, and then her mom and my step grandpa and all of the extended, like, cousins, uncles, etcetera. And then on my dad's family, it's been my dad, his mom, and my two uncles. Like, that's, like, as nuclear as my family gets. Okay. And then a million cousins and aunts and uncles in Honduras.
[00:14:29] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:14:30] Speaker B: Makes sense. I think it sounds like a blended family was always your normal.
[00:14:36] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:14:37] Speaker B: From when you were really young. Yeah.
[00:14:38] Speaker A: And it's always been like, I've had two separate lives between families because one's in Pennsylvania, one's in Florida, and I've been back and forth so much, and, like, my friend group up here and my cousins down here. So I've always been split between two places and two families.
But over the last, I would say, five years, my mom's side of the family has completely, like, disintegrated. Okay. And so you probably have heard me talk a lot about, like, Pennsylvania being traumatic.
[00:15:12] Speaker B: I don't think we've got, like, into it, but I do.
[00:15:14] Speaker A: Yeah. So it's gonna sound really morbid, but it's just like, everyone's dead.
[00:15:19] Speaker B: Like, yeah, that's some real shit.
[00:15:22] Speaker A: Everyone's dead or. Or they're on drugs. And some. Sometimes, in some scenarios, that's synonymous.
[00:15:31] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:15:32] Speaker A: So going back, it's like my entire life, for decades, it was. This is my pappy's house, my mom's dad, and this is my Grammy's house, my mom's mom.
Both of those houses aren't the same anymore. My papa's gone, my grandma's gone, you know, and we don't, like, it's not home anymore.
[00:15:55] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:15:56] Speaker A: At all.
[00:15:56] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:15:57] Speaker A: My mom doesn't have the home. Like, my. My favorite aunt, where I spent my entire childhood for fun, she passed away. Like, that house doesn't exist. So it's just like, there's no, I'll stay in a hotel if I go back home, you know?
[00:16:11] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:16:12] Speaker B: So would you say that Florida is more reminiscent of, like, what you would consider home to you now?
[00:16:17] Speaker A: Yes. And it's crazy to say that. And it's crazy to think that because my entire childhood up until I was probably, like, 2021, all I wanted to do was go home to Pennsylvania because my cousins are there, my mommy's there, my friends are there, my, like, my. It's a free for all. My, my aunt, my. Like, it was just so. Just blissful as a child. And my sister lived in Pennsylvania my entire life. I lived in Florida from, like, maybe like 910, something early like that. But I was always back and forth, and I just begged and begged and begged to be in Pennsylvania because I wanted to be with my sister. And I remember one time I got to move back home in the 9th grade, I went to live with her, and they broke down the wall between two bedrooms and made us this, like, gigantic bedroom. We got bunk beds.
[00:17:11] Speaker B: Really cute.
[00:17:12] Speaker A: Yeah. We both grew up as only children, and that was, like, the only time we had to, like, be sisters.
[00:17:18] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:17:19] Speaker B: And I think, you know, from watching you guys, I know that you and your sister have, like, a very special and close bond, and it's very beautiful to see. And I can imagine, like, being back and forth kind of complicated, what would have been maybe a normal, everyday sister sister relationship, living in, like, one household in, like, a nuclear family situation.
[00:17:44] Speaker A: It was tough. And I feel like that kind of put strain on our relationship because, again, we both grew up as only children.
[00:17:49] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:17:50] Speaker A: But back to my earliest, earliest memories.
When I was five years old, my mom went to prison, and before that, we were, you know, my sister doesn't really remember much of this because we're three plus years apart. But I'm five years old, and we're living from projects to projects to projects. There's probably, like, four in our town. We done lived in every one.
And my earliest memories are me being at home feeding her. She's one year old, she's two years old, and we're finding, like, candy and things in the fridge and in the cupboards and stuff. And my mommy's gone for a couple days.
[00:18:32] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:18:32] Speaker A: And I'm five.
[00:18:33] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:18:34] Speaker A: So that is just, like, that's where we started.
And fast forward 20 years later. My mom had another set of kids, and that are the exact same ages.
[00:18:47] Speaker B: Apart as you and your sister going.
[00:18:50] Speaker A: Through the exact same things.
And the older sibling is momming the younger sibling, and it's literally deja vu.
[00:19:01] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:19:02] Speaker A: Fucking.
[00:19:02] Speaker B: That has to be traumatizing.
[00:19:04] Speaker A: Oh, my gosh. Oh, my God. It's so scary to me because I'm watching myself.
[00:19:11] Speaker B: Yeah, that has to be really tough.
[00:19:13] Speaker A: Yeah, it's crazy because it's just like, damn, bro. 20 years later, it's the same story. Yeah, but we gotta deal with it. Like, we gotta. Like, this is. This is our.
And so it's just really?
Cause I've moved on from a lot of stuff. Like, I said, sweep it under the rug, throw it out, whatever. Lock it away.
[00:19:39] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:19:40] Speaker A: And I've forgiven everything that's happened to me. I'm past it. Maybe cause I forgot about it, maybe because I don't. But then I'm watching it happen again to my kids, which my brother and sister, if anybody knows me, those are my kids, like, period.
I'm watching it happen to them, and it's just like, I'm mad for them, and then I'm just like, wait, am I mad for me?
Am I, like, it's both. Yeah, it's. It's really.
I don't know what to say other than, like, it's scary.
[00:20:16] Speaker B: I think it's both. I think you have every right to feel anger about that. And I can tell that there is some rage there with, you know, especially having to watch that with your own two eyes and kind of feel like you're watching yourself. That has to be like, a very, like, out of body experience, literally.
And I heard you say, you know, those are my kids. And that was going to bring me to my next question, is, I know that with you specifically, you were parentified at a very young age in that you had to take on a parental role as a child and in family dynamics a lot. In therapy, we see that a lot, too, where there's one child of the family, typically the oldest, you know, who kind of had to take on the trauma of wherever their parents are at and how they're acting and moving as parents and kind of having to step up and be the parent that they feel like their siblings deserve. And that takes a really big toll on somebody, especially when you're a kid yourself and you're trying to figure your own stuff out. But now you have this immense, like, weight on you and pressure on you to also erase how many other kids you know. So I want to talk about how being parentified for you at that young of an age, like, how do you feel like that's affected you, and do you look back on it with resentment, or what are your general feelings about it?
[00:21:49] Speaker A: I don't know about resentment. I never thought of it that way.
But I went to church, like, two weeks ago, three weeks ago, and I've never, ever, like, I've gone up to the front and I've, you know, been like, this is. This is my step. Da da da. I've done that stuff before, but I've never had somebody pray over me.
And I fell to the ground. I would have fell to the ground if the lady wasn't holding me. Like, I passed out. Like, I couldn't breathe. Like, she basically was. Like, you have to let go of all the guilt.
It's a spirit of guilt that's over you because you can't do or you haven't done enough for all these people that you shouldn't be doing these things.
[00:22:34] Speaker B: For in the first place.
[00:22:36] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:22:36] Speaker A: Right. And you have not wasted time, but you have robbed yourself of time for you to find a husband and for you to start a family and for you to be dating and for you to be, you know, doing all these things. Yes. I went to lost all my.
[00:22:55] Speaker B: And she's so cute. Shout out, Belle.
[00:22:58] Speaker A: Can we talk about the fact I took my baby girl to the kids choice awards, bro? Like, just imagine, like, that shit is crazy.
[00:23:07] Speaker B: It goes to show that shit is crazy. Mandy, I think you've worked really hard to give her a better childhood experience than you've had, and it's extremely admirable, and we all know how hard you work, and I know that you don't regret a single minute of anything you're doing for your siblings. And I think you're right. The guilt that you feel, there's never going to be enough that you can do to not feel it because the ceiling is very high of, like, what you want to want for them and what you want to be doing for them. And one person can't realistically, you know, give a perfect childhood.
[00:23:47] Speaker A: Yeah. Or fill. Or fill the void. Or fill the void. My sister Nina, the one that's out here with us in LA, she brought up this idea of overcompensating.
And for me, I'm just the parent. I'm the parent of all four of the kids and myself. And my mom, like, in my dad's side of the family, they still treat me like I'm twelve. Like, daddy, where are we going for lunch today?
[00:24:17] Speaker B: You know, isn't that nice, though?
[00:24:19] Speaker A: It's so nice. But it's also strange. Yeah.
[00:24:22] Speaker B: It's a really crazy dichotomy to be with these two worlds at the same time.
[00:24:26] Speaker A: Yeah. Cause on that side, even though I have my little nieces now, um, I'm, like, the youngest of our generation because even though, like, my dad is my dad, like, my grandma had my dad and my two uncles and then me. Like, that was our entire life. So my grandma's, like, the head of the family, and then there's the four of us. I'm her only girl. Even though she's my grandma, she's my mom. So it's always just been like, I'm the baby, even though we have the girls now. Like, I'm always. I'm never, ever, ever in that parental role. Like, my brother's younger than me, too, but we're kind of, like, we're grouped together. We're, like, three years apart as well, so we're never, ever in a position. Like, we're paying for the dinner at Christmas or where on my mom's side of the family. It's like, now that my grandparents aren't here, now that life has changed, it really is just me.
[00:25:24] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:25:24] Speaker A: Like, and as much as I can be, like, well, damn, I should do more. Like, I don't have a choice but to do more. And people have been telling me since I was 20 years old, you need to be selfish. You need to be selfish. You need to be selfish. What the fuck does that mean?
[00:25:42] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:25:43] Speaker A: I've never been. I've never had the luxury or the opportunity to be selfish.
[00:25:49] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:25:49] Speaker A: And it wasn't a choice. I didn't choose this, but it is just. It is what it is in that way because I don't know how to be anything else.
[00:26:00] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:26:00] Speaker A: Then selfless. Or, like, the other day, my mom and my brother and sister and everybody was here because of the baby being born. And I made one of those, like, pasta dinners. I gave my mom, my brother, my sister, and my sister food. And then I went and started making pizza rolls or something, and my mom was like, why didn't you eat? Why aren't you eating? I was like, well, there is no more. She was like, don't piss me off. Like, are you serious right now?
[00:26:32] Speaker B: It's such a natural thing for you, right, that you're not thinking about until I think somebody else points it out.
[00:26:39] Speaker A: Yeah. And I'm just sitting there like, but did you eat, though, right?
[00:26:43] Speaker B: Okay, what are we talking about?
[00:26:45] Speaker A: My job is done. You know, it's just always been like that. I don't know.
[00:26:49] Speaker B: I think there's a really strong desire for you to be the adult that you needed in your life when you were younger.
[00:26:59] Speaker A: Oh, that's my favorite quote. Being needed when you were growing up.
[00:27:02] Speaker B: And I think, like, you really want to be that as a nurturer and a caretaker, but also in terms of your career and everything. Like, I think you want to be, like, the role model that you wish, you know, that you had at that time.
And I think while that's beautiful and great, it's also hard to constantly chase that because you want to be perfect and you want to do all these things and live up to this idea of, like, what you've always wanted for yourself. And I think it's great. And I think you're extremely ambitious.
Thank you. You are, and you work very hard. I just think that the pursuit of trying to be content and happy is very difficult when there's no end to it. There's always more to do, and there's always more you can be to your siblings, even to your sister who's older. You're trying to be all these things for all these people and also accomplish, you know, all of your goals. And it can be a lot for one person to carry. And I think the stress, like, you can carry it really well, but it can only go on so long, and so there's needs. You guys look so cute there.
[00:28:19] Speaker A: There's my baby right here, right here on the pod, episode number two, featuring my sista.
Thank you. Yeah, it's definitely, like, I don't know, and I don't. I don't wish it upon anybody, but at the same time, it's just like, you'll never understand.
[00:28:40] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:28:41] Speaker A: You know? And I say that, like, even my sister's like, well, I want to help, and I want to do this. And now I'm like, I'm old enough to. To be in, like, ahead of the family, and we're doing all these things, and it's just like, I love you. I get that.
But still, you're never gonna understand.
[00:28:58] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:28:58] Speaker B: It's a different.
Different experience.
[00:29:01] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:29:02] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:29:03] Speaker B: Would you say that you're angry as a person?
Cause this goes back to what I said. You can hold it all and carry it really well some way or another. The emotions that you're feeling from carrying all this shit comes out, whether that's in. In sadness, whether that's in anger, rage, you know, it comes out one way or another.
[00:29:30] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:29:31] Speaker B: And so I wonder.
[00:29:33] Speaker A: I've been. Well, both sides of my family, they got a lot of anger and very, like, we're very, like, tough like people. So it's always been like, you know, we talk to each other crazy and. And yell and scream and all the things. So there's always that.
But also, the only way that we ever dealt with anything, ever, me, myself included, of course, is anger. Like, there's no other emotion.
Especially my dad coming from a third world country. Like, now he's, like. He's completely, like, transitioned into, like, this cute little abuelo now that I have a baby niece. But it's always just been anger. That's the only thing. And, of course, that is what I've been filled with. And it took another really, really terrifying traumatic situation about two years ago, two and a half now, for me to really realize, like, whoa, I don't ever want to make anyone feel like that ever again. Like, I can. There's no possible way I can make someone feel like that. Absolutely not. So that was kind of my wake up call. Even though it really fucked my life up, it was kind of like something good came out of it, because then I really, like, internalized my work on myself, and there's no other way around it. Like, you have to get this shit under control because people are scared of you. People don't want to tell you things. People are, you know, they. They get tensed up when they hear your voice coming, or you're walking down hall. Like, that's not a good feeling. Yeah, I could be intimidating. I can be. You know, she's the boss, she's the queen, whatever. But to be scared of me?
[00:31:20] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:31:21] Speaker A: Like, that shit is upsetting, you know? Like, even. Even the kids, like, I don't want to yell at them. I don't want to yell at Isaiah when he doesn't listen. I don't think. I can't even remember a time, actually. I do. Whenever I was. And I don't know if I told this story here or on my anger write up that. That the mental health storyteller did. But I was teaching Bella preschool, like, homework when I had custody of her, and I started yelling at her because she was just like, oh, I don't know. I don't know. Is she. You know, she want to be cute all the time, and I'm just like, get it together. Like, what are you doing? And I'm yelling, and now she's crying, and now she doesn't want to do homework, and now she doesn't want to talk to me, and now she doesn't want to, you know, do this again tomorrow for the next homework, you know? And that was also a wake up call because it's like, that's what I dealt with when I was growing up, when I didn't know how to do math or whatever, which, you know, still don't. That's why I'm a lawyer. But, you know, and those were just kind of things like, damn, sis, you really gotta get it together because you, as nice as I am, like, I'm way too nice majority of the time and a majority of the ways. But, like, when I'm angry, I'm very mean.
[00:32:47] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:32:48] Speaker A: And I don't want to be mean.
[00:32:49] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:32:50] Speaker B: I think it's a tough pill to swallow or to, like, look at your own actions and not, like, recognize, you know, the person who did those things. And being like, was that me? Like, did I do that? You know, that's hard. But I think it's great that you're able to be honest about that.
[00:33:08] Speaker A: Yeah. And the first step is what? Acceptance.
[00:33:12] Speaker C: Mm hmm.
[00:33:12] Speaker A: I accepted. I had. I'm not gonna claim it. I had a problem with anger.
But I'll talk about these two books all the time. I got a book.
[00:33:23] Speaker B: Oh, yeah, I saw them.
[00:33:24] Speaker A: Yep. I've been working. Okay. I got an anger control workbook. Anger. Literally. It's called the anger control workbook. And you fill it in every time you snap on somebody. Every time. Whatever. There's a chart. How angry did this make you? What was the outcome of that? How did it hurt other people? What was the trigger? But it also is a book that you read on, like, what anger actually does to your body. Oh, it's killing me. It's for sure killing me.
[00:33:52] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:33:53] Speaker A: And then the other book is yell less, love more. And my challenge of the book is to go 365 days without yelling at.
[00:34:01] Speaker B: Someone telling me about this.
[00:34:02] Speaker A: And that means yelling at someone, like, at someone. Not yelling because, you know, my ass is loud, but yelling at somebody. And I have failed a couple of times, and I start back at day zero, but the longest I've gone since I started this book is three months without yelling at somebody.
[00:34:25] Speaker B: It's still a big accomplishment.
[00:34:27] Speaker A: It's huge. It's huge. 365 days. That's a big. That's a big chunk of change, you know?
Yeah. So every time I go back to day one, day two, whatever, it's just like, let me be nice.
Breathe. It's gonna be okay. Like, last night, I could definitely spazz on somebody, but I didn't. I just sat there like, that's true.
[00:34:53] Speaker B: You were telling me that story, and you handled it well. It's growth. I'm proud of you.
[00:34:58] Speaker A: Thank you. Thank you.
[00:35:01] Speaker B: I wanted to ask, so if all the things in your childhood, let's say if you were completely somebody else in terms of didn't go through some of the adverse experiences that, you know, you can't really look back and be that fond of.
Is there a certain vision or plan for your life of how you want it to be right now? And how is that different from where you are right now?
[00:35:28] Speaker A: That's a crazy, deep question.
I feel like my biggest issue right now, outside of, like, really getting a hold on my, like, the way I treat people, which I have come, like a tremendous way in the last two and a half years. Like, I really got that together. But also I feel like a lot of my childhood stuff left me with a lot of abandonment and attachment issues.
[00:35:55] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:35:56] Speaker A: So that's something that I don't.
I want to be different, and that's not necessarily something I can really change per se.
[00:36:06] Speaker B: You can work on it, but our attachment styles, we form them when we're really young.
[00:36:11] Speaker A: Right. And I used to, when I, before I went to law school, my focus was family dysfunction and child development.
[00:36:19] Speaker B: Yeah.
[00:36:20] Speaker A: And obviously I wanted to know, like, why am I.
Let me figure it out.
[00:36:26] Speaker B: Because family dysfunction, those formative years, are really important for just how our attachment is as adults.
It's not all the way bleak, though. It can be worked on, but in order for it to change, per se, it takes a lot of work and a lot of honesty with yourself, recognizing why you are the way you are before you can try to change just something else or to be more open to something else. And I think your initial reactions or your initial tendencies in a relationship goes back to your attachment. So, like, catching those in the moment, which is really hard because we all are just the way that we are.
[00:37:06] Speaker A: Right.
[00:37:06] Speaker B: Like, it's hard to counteract that, but it can be worked on it. Can I?
[00:37:16] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:37:17] Speaker B: You don't look so. You don't look too confident about that one.
[00:37:19] Speaker A: We'll figure. We'll figure that out. I guess that's what I want. What I want to see change and stuff. I don't want, I don't want. I know for sure what I don't want my kids to go through or what I want to do different than my parents for my kids, for sure. But I guess it has to start with doing that stuff for myself and, like, finding someone that is compatible with what I need to.
[00:37:44] Speaker B: Hundred percent.
[00:37:46] Speaker A: Because generally, like, you get attached to somebody who's gonna do the same exact thing.
[00:37:53] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:37:54] Speaker A: Yeah.
[00:37:58] Speaker B: Sometimes you gotta get sick and tired of being sick and tired.
[00:38:01] Speaker A: Mm hmm. I'm tired and I'm sick of these people.
But I.
Damn, I feel like we could literally do this all day, but I told myself I would be conscious of the time. You know, your generations don't have the ability to sit here for an hour, so we gonna keep it short and sweet.
[00:38:26] Speaker B: So I have one.
[00:38:26] Speaker A: I love y'all, Gen Z. I love y'all.
[00:38:28] Speaker B: Anyway, one little question for you to close it out is, I think, what do you believe the general perception that people who maybe aren't close to you have of you, and what do you want people to know about you that you don't think that they do?
Like, personality wise, in terms of how you love, how you care? Like, what is something that you wish people were able to see about you more clearly that you feel like maybe they don't?
[00:38:57] Speaker A: I think I recently had a conversation where someone was telling me, like, oh, all of the stuff that I do. Like, I have my law firm, and I manage two artists, and I take care of the family, and I love my family, and I love my friends, and I do this and I do that, and I do the podcast, and I talk at schools, and they're like, but you're not really creating space for, you know, what you say that you want. First of all.
First of all, I do all those 600 things better when I have someone next to me. You know what I mean? So, like, I think I've been hearing a lot about, like, like, relationship dynamics. Like, nobody wants a smart girlfriend or nobody wants, you know, this or nobody wants that. But it's just like, the fact of the matter is, just because I have multiple degrees, and just because, like, I'm, like, I just happen to be really intelligent. Like, I wasn't an athlete. I don't have an athletic bone in my body. I wasn't, you know, like, a musician. You know, I'm not a singer. I'm not a rapper. Like, I read well, and I write well. I'm an attorney. I talk well. So it's just like, just because I am, that doesn't mean I also can't be, you know, a wife or a girlfriend 100%. And that, like, kind of just pisses me off because, like, what are you? Are you in the 1920s? Because, like, it's 2024, buddy.
[00:40:27] Speaker B: It's very, very annoying.
[00:40:28] Speaker A: I could do it all. I could do both. And then the other thing is, like, people just really, really, really think, like, my life is just all sunshine and rainbows, and it's just like, I'm so glad that it looks that good.
[00:40:46] Speaker B: You wear it well.
[00:40:47] Speaker A: Thank you. And I'm just. I tell people all the time. They're like, you're doing so great, and you're doing this, and I did, and you drive this, and I. And I'm just like, if you only knew.
[00:40:57] Speaker C: Yeah.
[00:40:57] Speaker A: And because of that, no one ever, like, asked me if I'm okay.
No one ever, like, thinks I need anything or, you know, even a hug or a call or a lunch. Like, literally, people just really think, like, my life is just that good, that nothing is ever wrong and everything is just always perfect, and that is just, like, it leads people to just never what? Like, exactly. Yeah, exactly. And I had to. I had to tell my mom that recently because we had, like, a lot of conversations we've never had before. And it's about this person, it's about that person, it's about this, and it's about that, that, and it's about. And hours and hours later, I was like, you know, by the way, no one's ever once this year, not once, asked me if I'm good.
[00:41:57] Speaker B: And that's crazy.
[00:41:58] Speaker A: Like.
[00:42:01] Speaker B: Oh, yeah.
[00:42:03] Speaker A: But I mean, I'm really just her, and it's okay. But I guess those are the two, like, the two misconceptions.
[00:42:11] Speaker B: Okay.
[00:42:12] Speaker A: But I am good. Don't get it. Don't get it twisted. I'm good, and I'm always be good. But just because I know I'm always be good doesn't mean I don't need check ins. Check in? Yeah, yeah, yeah.
[00:42:23] Speaker B: I think that's a good takeaway. Like, check in on your strong friends, honestly, because they be the ones man.
[00:42:30] Speaker A: Carrying away to the world. Yeah, sure.
But my last question for you is, we talked a little bit about therapy. What is your, like, one takeaway that whoever watched this episode, you want them to take away about therapy or their lives?
[00:42:47] Speaker B: Yeah, I think the biggest one is, obviously, we talked about the misconceptions about therapy.
The therapeutic lines is so important before you can even do therapy, like, getting a good match, like you said. But I think the biggest thing is, like, nobody is too healed for therapy.
[00:43:06] Speaker A: Oh, my God, that was tea.
[00:43:10] Speaker B: Because you can elevate every year and be way better than who you were last year, and you could have done a lot of healing on your own. But there's always more work to do, and I think it's helpful for everyone to have a therapist. Even if you're not seeing them every week or even if you're seeing them once a month. There's always more work to be done and things that have been pushed to your subconscious that, like you said, you wear. Well, that doesn't mean there isn't things to be worked on, so.
[00:43:41] Speaker A: That is so good. Wow. Yeah. Honestly, I've heard that a lot. I've heard people. I don't need it. I don't need it. I'm good. I'm cool. There's nothing wrong with me. Or. Yeah, I was in therapy two years ago. It was cool. Like, okay, what happened this year? Yeah, like, what happened 20 years ago that you didn't remember, but now it just came back to you, and, you know, it's up and down. Like, the mental health journey really is just, like. It's a constant rollercoaster. Whether you're good, whether you're bad, whether you're depressed, whether you're. You're manic. Whatever it is, it needs to be checked in on.
So, like, seriously, thank you for having this conversation with me.
[00:44:20] Speaker B: This is fun.
[00:44:22] Speaker A: Yeah, definitely something different. But this is Sanaya, and she's about to be the greatest therapist. So if you can somehow manage to book her whenever you. You can. What? When do you graduate?
[00:44:34] Speaker B: Ten months.
[00:44:35] Speaker A: Ten months?
Okay, so after. Yes, end of next year. Like, y'all gonna have to find her and book her.
She's really great. Obviously, if you can't tell already. So this is the Royalty room podcast. We talk about entertainment, we talk about law, and we definitely talk about mental health. So follow us on all platforms. Legalqueen laden. Saneha's at name is Saneha.
[00:45:03] Speaker B: X. X.
[00:45:04] Speaker A: Her right there. Okay, thank you.
[00:45:07] Speaker B: Knows how to spell that?
[00:45:08] Speaker A: No? That's good. So make sure you all follow us. Like, comment, and if you have questions, like, I really do want to be a little bit more involved. Like, if you have questions, comments, concerns, thoughts, whatever. If you want to talk shit to me, about me, with me, let us know, and we'll see you next time.
[00:45:24] Speaker C: Bye.
